"Dog Shooting At The Moon" Jean Miro

I just read Dan’s last post in which he says that he thinks that things are worse for me because I am afraid of losing him.

Things are not worse for me. Bad, worse, worst- that cannot be measured or compared.

What the diagnosis reminded me of again is that loss is a part of life.
I don’t like that. No one does.

However, I certainly do not know that Dan will precede me in death.
I do not know that Dan will die of this prostate cancer.

Life is a crap shoot. Since Dan’s diagnosis millions of people all over the world have died. Many of these people had no diagnosis of anything.

In our personal circle two friends of ours have died since Dan’s diagnosis. Neither one of them had any diagnosis of any sort. They just died.

The more I live the more I know how little I know.

This is good for me as it to me means that things for me are getting back to “normal”, whatever that means. I had a brief hiccup when my last blood work came back and it showed my liver numbers a little elevated. The nurse put me on a herb to help reduce these numbers and I started to have a reaction to it. Needless to say I am off the herb and things seem to be back to normal. I am getting pretty good about not getting upset about these types of things, it is much worse for Paula. She is very scared about loosing me.

We have to hold onto today and not worry about what is around the corner. I am now trying to do that to every extent that I can. Right now I feel very good and that is all I can deal with. I do still have to plan for the short term future though, we are now getting ready to do our annual trip to Michigan. So it is impossible to stay TOTALLY in the moment but we can strive to do the best that we can. As far as my cancer is concerned I have an appointment in June and that is all I care to think about the topic. Whatever will be will be.

Cancer is in the back of my mind, and a good way to keep it there is for Dan and me not to talk about it. There is only so much talking one can do.

Dan’s attitude is what will be will be, and he is correct. Ultimately, we have no control. What will be will be.

And so things are simmering on the back burner. Things can simmer a long time as long as they are tended somewhat.

I like times like now when life is normal.

I have just lost a signifiicant sum of money in a business transaction. No big deal though. I would much rather rack up a whole bunch of losses involving material things than lose the husband I love.

Can I bargain like that? Does it work that way? Unfortunately, I do not think so. We get what we get in life, and as Dana Reeves said soon after being diagnosed with cancer, "You play the hand you are dealt."

Fairness does not play into the equation. I always would remind my students that to expect life to be fair will only lead to diappointment and frustration.

The greater good comes from piling up the beautiful moments in our lives, and rolling those up like a huge ball of yarn that we can take out and peek at when our chips are low.

Material things? I would burn, smash and axe every material possession I own if it meant that I could have my loved ones back here with me again.

Rack up some more good moments today, guys.

I just got a statement today from our insurance company with the charge that was paid to Sarasota Memorial Hospital. It was $38,825.12!!! This is a HUGE amount for a stay that lasted only 23 hours. This I believe is part of the problem that I was ranting about in my last post, which was about Paula’s friend who is sick and without health insurance. I just don’t see how people can afford insurance when everything in the medical business cost so much. Does it really cost this much or do we see a whole group of organizations taking advantage of people when they are at their weakest. And that is if you have insurance. If you don’t then I consider this criminal profiteering.

Yes I did get excellent care at the hospital, the very best, but did I really get 39K worth? I believe that this amount is strictly for the hospital and not the doctors that worked on me. Hmmmm let’s see I did use a little room for about two hours pre-op and prepped by a pre-op nurse. And another nurse did roll me into the operating room on a gurney. Then there was the operating room with lots of folks there too. Then I got another ride on another gurney by the same nurse as the first ride. I had to wait in the post-op room for about an hour or so. And then I was off to my room where I spent most of my time at the hospital.

What in the world cost so much? The seeds? The building? Was it the electric bill? The fun rides on the gurneys? Maybe it was the not so free parking?

Dan and I have been living with cancer long enough now to see that at least for now there are periods of high intensity like when he is expecting the result of a scan or blood test, but the month of April has been somewhat of a respite from cancer in terms of active participation.

But make no mistake about it. It is always in the back of the mind. There have been very few times since September when I don’t feel its presence. Oh, I am sure that some people would say that I need to work more on mind control, and I am.,but until you or your spouse have cancer then you just don’t know what it’s like.

We do our jobs. We are trying to eating healthier and exercise more. We both know one thing for sure now. We know that living for the future is damned stupid, and anyone who is enduring their life right now waiting for that magical day in the future when they can relax or retire or whatever they are gritting their teeth through at present, is living a life of MAJOR DENIAL. Futures are not guaranteed.
Intellectually I have always known this, but now I experience that knowledge on the level of my body. i feel it in my bones. That’s a good thing actually. I have gotten to the point where I just don’t do much of what I REALLY do not want to do. What’s the point?

And yes, of course, we all have the mundane things that we must do in order to carry on a life, but now I work like hell to find a way to enjoy that stuff.
I sing or listen to music, but mainly I just feel grateful that Dan and I are still alive and able to see and to hear and to breathe and to walk.

I always know how damned fortunate we are. A friend of mine was diagnosed last week with stomach cancer. It just came on suddenly. He looked healthy as can be. He has no health insurance. I read today that 40% of Americans have no health insurance.

Health care has gotten so high that a new trend is catching hold. More and more Americans are travelling to India for operations and medical procedures because the cost of such is about thirty per cent of what it is here.

I don’t have positive feelings about the future of our world. We’re on a downward spiral so I say we should play Nero and fiddle as Rome burns.
I am taking less and less seriously these days.

I know one thing. I’m not going to get all stressed about world affairs and the all too obvious deterioration of our culture.
What I can do is help my friends and neighbors. Sitting around griping about world affairs is a cop-out. We’d all be better put to use by helping the folks, animals and environment in our own communities. Some of the biggest loud mouths I know who complain about world politics are not doing one damned thing here at home for their fellow man.

I feel very fortunate for what I have, I have a supportive wife and friends, I have a good job and I have many good people that I work with. Most importantly I feel very fortunate for the benefits of my job. I am a teacher and with that not the greatest of salaries but we have good insurance.

So far my care has probably cost the insurance company in the neighborhood of 60 thousand dollars of which I had to pay 10 thousand. Yes that is a lot of money but we have it and it is well worth the cost to have the very best doctor working on me. I have told others that if you got arrested you would surely find 10 thousand to get out of jail, that is a no-brainer.

I bring up this subject because this week Paula found out that one of her friends went out to eat and got sick and had to be taken to the hospital. He has no insurance. He found out that he has a hole in his stomach and that he has stomach cancer and no insurance. The hospital gave him some Vikaden and told him he would have to find an oncologist and sent him on his way. After all he didn’t have insurance. How many oncologists are going to come up to the plate and take this guy on as a patient? You know he doesn’t have insurance. If they do take him on how good of care will he get? Will he get the state of the art radiation from the state of the art machines? Will he get the very best medicine or will they just give him meds for his pain until he dies?

What is wrong with our country that we can give basic health care for all of our citizens? Canada does it. England does it. In fact many many countries do provide inexpensive health care for their citizens. Whose fault is it? Is it the doctor’s? Mine is very skilled and should be compensated well. Is it the companies that make the medical equipment? Do they deserve a million dollars for a CAT scan machine or IMRT radiation machine? I don’t know. How about the pharmaceutical companies? One of the drugs that I have to have for my androgen deprivation therapy cost $2,000 a shot. One shot 2 grand!!

I fear for my wife’s friend.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is the knowledge of the emotional pain that Dan is carrying around. There is absolutely nothing I can do it assuage it.

I just read his recent post, and it hurts my heart so. This is the first time in our married life where we are faced with a situation that we can’t figure out. We can only spend money on drugs and treatments. We can spend time reading and keeping up with any current developments.

However, the fact remains- there is no cure for any type of cancer. It is true that many forms of cancer including prostate cancer have become manageable to the point that the patient  often dies from other causes unrelated to the cancer after having lived a good while.

We are trying very hard to remain up and focused on good times ahead, but life offers no guarantees. I am being helped so much by a women’s group that I found online. We each post daily or so, and we reply to one another. It helps. I do not have one woman friend who really understands what I am experiencing. How could they?

Men, on the whole, tend to hold things in and feel uncomfortable expressing their vulnerabilities. I would be most happy if Dan were to seek some counsel.

I love you, Dan. I will never leave you. I am here for you.

Your wife,

Paula

The seeds that were implanted in me were Palladium 103, which is a radioactive isotope of palladium. The half-life of this isotope is 17 days and what this means is that every 17 days half of the radioactivity is gone. I just passed that point, the first 17 days. I have had some urinary side effects and some stomach indigestion from the seeds. For the most part not bad.

A week ago I got some stomach discomfort and felt that this was some more of the side effects. I quickly found out that this was an assumption that was wrong when I started throwing up. I had the flu. But the first thought in my head was that it was related to my cancer. Every ache, and pain I have now I think, “Does this have something to do with my cancer?” I don’t want to live in fear as that has never been my style but when you have cancer it just pops in your head when your body does something and you are not sure why. I don’t like that. I don’t like that at all.

My last post reminded me of a poem and a poet I admire so much.

A Dream Deferred

by Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?