Most of the support that I get in dealing with Dan’s diagnosis comes from mailing list on the Internet. I correspond with other women who are dealing with the fears and uncertainty that I do. Life with prostate cancer is often referred to as an “adventure” on these lists. The word adventure has always had a postive connotation for me. I still don’t find anything postive about it.
The damnest thing about this cancer diagnosis is that it is so anxiety provoking. I just cannot make it go away.
I am giving my very best effort to focus on the NOW. I work very hard at not dwelling on this because a huge part of my awareness knows that Dan may not die of this at all. It could be something else, or I may not live to see him die. I might go first.
As I have said before, I do believe that life is a crapshoot, but to be totally candid, life was easier when we had problems that had a chance of being solved.
This may not kill Dan, but the cancer is there. And we both know it.
If anyone has figured out a way to get it out of your mind, let me know.
It still enters my mind several times each day. It is no longer a cold chill like it was at first when this was new; now it is just like a damned big thorn in my side that I cannot seem to remove.
The initial panic is gone, of course. The terrible sadness does not pierce my heart in the same way that it did for a long while, but the knowledge of this disease has changed my perception about life. And not in a good way.
I know a lot of people like to run around saying that cancer is the best thing that ever happened to them. Good if that is the case for them. My husband’s cancer is not the best thing that ever happened to me, and I rather doubt that Dan would say it is the best thing that ever happened to him.
I get sick and tired of putting postive spins on stuff. Sometimes life is just damned hard, and it pisses me off.