Any day above ground is a good one

Here I sit on the last day of school thinking about the year I just endured. It is the time of the year you do these things when you work for a school. You look back and reflect. You make note of the good things that happened and for next year try to adjust for the bad things that also happened.

I started to find out about my cancer at the beginning of the school year, in August. I got my annual checkup as I always do and BAM my life changed. This year, upon reflection, has gone by for me so very quickly. Even with the interminable waiting that one has to do when one gets a cancer diagnosis, time has flown by. I have had many many ups and downs this year and those too are leveling out and are becoming merely a memory.

Next month I go back to the Datolli Center for what will hopefully be my last series of IMRT treatments. At this time I also hope to find out how well the treatments are working. This little bit of information has not been available to me yet. I hope it will not involve another rising tide of emotion, I am really feeling OK at low tide.

I have generally preferred the company of elderly people. I was blessed to have come from a family that provided me with a total of sixteen great-aunts and uncles most of whom never had children. So as a little girl these people were my earliest companions and my greatest teachers. I would always hear these people say "Paula, remember it is the little things that count."

Now after this cancer diagnosis I HAVE TOTALLY gotten that. You know how you know for sure that you have really integrated an important life lesson because you feel it deep down in your bones.

In the past week I have come to know how to always stay happy. It is quite simple. I must always surround myself with the stuff that I love. I do not mean other people. They come and go.

For me right now the list has two things on it. The other day I was so down in the dumps about the events of the past months that I could barely moved. I was weighed down with a very heavy depression. While wrapping some jewelry I sold on Ebay, I felt my heart quicken as I looked at the beautiful aqua tissue paper. The next day the same thing happened with a piece of yellow tissue. Yes, I love color. It DOES make me happy, and it is something I can always have.

Twice this past week as I was returning from errands, I opened the door to see my cat Patti waiting for me. My heart swelled up like a big ole balloon. Yes, I love cats, and I can always have them.

I do not think it is a good idea to depend on other people for happiness. They come and go.

I am making a conscious effort to add to my list of easy-to-have loves and to make sure to include them in my daily experience.

I remember my great-uncle Jim’s wide smile and twinkling eyes as he showed me one of his prize dahlia blossoms.

I can still hear my grandfather John say, "Looky there" as he plucked a baby carrot from his vegetable garden, wiped the dirt off on his pant’s leg and popped it in his mouth.

I can still see the dreamy look in my grandmother Pearl’s eyes as she recited one of her favorite nineteenth century poems.

I can still see the pride and contentment in my grandmother Pauline’s face as she instructed me on the proper way to organize a desk drawer.

What are the little things that make your heart sing? Surround yourself with them and increase your own happiness quotient.

Both Dan and I have mentioned our friend who was diagnosed with a stomach cancer five weeks ago. This man had no symtoms other than what he thought was indigestion.

One day he experienced tremendous discomfort while eating and within a few days the diagnosis was in.

I ran into him while shopping yesterday. I did not recognize him by appearance only by his voice. He has lost thirty-five pounds. He had the biggest smile on his face, and I gave him a big bear hug.

By God if he can smile then I sure as hell can.

Life continues to bring me to my knees.

Wow oh wow oh wow is all I can say. Don’t put off the stuff that matters to you.

"Dog Shooting At The Moon" Jean Miro

I just read Dan’s last post in which he says that he thinks that things are worse for me because I am afraid of losing him.

Things are not worse for me. Bad, worse, worst- that cannot be measured or compared.

What the diagnosis reminded me of again is that loss is a part of life.
I don’t like that. No one does.

However, I certainly do not know that Dan will precede me in death.
I do not know that Dan will die of this prostate cancer.

Life is a crap shoot. Since Dan’s diagnosis millions of people all over the world have died. Many of these people had no diagnosis of anything.

In our personal circle two friends of ours have died since Dan’s diagnosis. Neither one of them had any diagnosis of any sort. They just died.

The more I live the more I know how little I know.

This is good for me as it to me means that things for me are getting back to “normal”, whatever that means. I had a brief hiccup when my last blood work came back and it showed my liver numbers a little elevated. The nurse put me on a herb to help reduce these numbers and I started to have a reaction to it. Needless to say I am off the herb and things seem to be back to normal. I am getting pretty good about not getting upset about these types of things, it is much worse for Paula. She is very scared about loosing me.

We have to hold onto today and not worry about what is around the corner. I am now trying to do that to every extent that I can. Right now I feel very good and that is all I can deal with. I do still have to plan for the short term future though, we are now getting ready to do our annual trip to Michigan. So it is impossible to stay TOTALLY in the moment but we can strive to do the best that we can. As far as my cancer is concerned I have an appointment in June and that is all I care to think about the topic. Whatever will be will be.

Cancer is in the back of my mind, and a good way to keep it there is for Dan and me not to talk about it. There is only so much talking one can do.

Dan’s attitude is what will be will be, and he is correct. Ultimately, we have no control. What will be will be.

And so things are simmering on the back burner. Things can simmer a long time as long as they are tended somewhat.

I like times like now when life is normal.

I have just lost a signifiicant sum of money in a business transaction. No big deal though. I would much rather rack up a whole bunch of losses involving material things than lose the husband I love.

Can I bargain like that? Does it work that way? Unfortunately, I do not think so. We get what we get in life, and as Dana Reeves said soon after being diagnosed with cancer, "You play the hand you are dealt."

Fairness does not play into the equation. I always would remind my students that to expect life to be fair will only lead to diappointment and frustration.

The greater good comes from piling up the beautiful moments in our lives, and rolling those up like a huge ball of yarn that we can take out and peek at when our chips are low.

Material things? I would burn, smash and axe every material possession I own if it meant that I could have my loved ones back here with me again.

Rack up some more good moments today, guys.