I can have the seeds implanted now because I checked out OK with my Urologist yesterday. As it turns out I don’t have any obstructions and I do not need to have the green laser treatment I talked about earlier.

So my appointment for the implant has been set for the 23rd of March. In twenty-three days, twenty-three days to go. Again I wait another count down. Another twenty-three days for anxiety to build. Another twenty-three days of Paula obsessing on my cancer, not to mention me. This is almost as long as my EMRT treatments but without the drive. I am tired of the countdowns and being at the top of the roller coaster and then at the bottom of it. I am tired of doctor’s appointments. I’m tired of the pills. I am tired of no libido.

But I got to tell ya I am kinda digging the hair growth.

Dan and I are not doing a very good job lately at connecting. There are many reasons for this:

#1 He is a man. I am a woman.
#2 He is methodical about dealing with things. He does stuff, and then crosses it off his list. In some ways, he has been doing this with his cancer. I am very abstract and random. I am a daydreamer, and I have great difficulty getting this cancer out of my mind.

Back in November when we got some worrisome information about the aggressiveness of his tumor, I was the first to know since the lab emailed the results. At first, I thought I would not tell Dan because he was under so much stress already. Then when he got home I sat him down and told him that the tumor was aneuploid and that made it an angrier cancer that could prove to be resistant to hormone treatment. I told him that I had thought about not telling him, and he looked at me and told me to NEVER keep any information from him.

Is ignorance bliss? Don’t know. I am not ignorant, and I do not keep myself from reading and research. I research everything. My natural inclination is to know. However, sometimes the more one knows about cancer the more frightening things can get. And, to be honest, I think I have learned too much for my own good, and I feel somewhat haunted.

I am also haunted because I took care of my mother while she died a painful death from cancer. I administered the morphine. I heard her moans. I talked with her about how she was feeling emotionally and physically. The hospice nurse who came a couple times of week looked at me one day and said, "Most adult children would never come through that front door." I was shocked when I heard this because there was never a question that I would be there for my mother. But that is how much cancer scares people. Many people will not go visit a person with cancer because it frightens  them so much. Say I am holding on to a bad memory. Nope. Once you have nursed a person dying of cancer you do not forget the mind pictures. Wish I could. Can’t.

I am a very opinionated person, and I am sorry to sound didactic, but I think a huge part of being an adult is facing fear and mortality. I will also add that I believe that people have a responsibility to their loved ones  that are sick. I could not live with myself if I ran from a loved one because his disease frightened me.

Call me judgmental. That’s correct. I am.

This evening we were doing our walk, and I brought up a subject that was unrelated to the cancer, but then somehow the cancer came up. The walk is supposed to be relaxing. It is just that this cancer is relatively new, and it is very hard for me to put on rose-colored glasses at this point in time.

Yes, perhaps I obsess. That’s me. I am intense. I am passionate. I, to use Thoreau’s words again, intend "to suck the very marrow out of life."

That’s my style. Dan likes that about me, but when it comes to cancer he does not like that about me.

I am on a couple of Internet lists that are for women whose husbands have or had prostate cancer. Some of these women have been dealing with this for a long while. Some of these women are widows. Some of these women are like me- we are involved with "newly diagnosed" men, and we need like hell  to talk to other women who are going through this.

I am a very blunt and outspoken person. You either really like me, or you really do not like me. I make no apologies. I can’t do denial. I can’t do pretense.

At this point the only thing that will help me is a prefrontal lobotomy. LOL. Hopefully, Dan will live a long time with this cancer, and my mind will adjust. Things take time. Yes, I am scared. Sorry, I can’t assuage anyone’s fears at the moment. I have told Dan that he knows how I am, and it is most important for him to realize that my reality is not necessarily REAL. It is just where I am. I am in fear right now. Today for some reason it has been very bad.

I haven’t felt inspired to post of late; In fact I haven’t been obsessing about my cancer either. I wonder if they are related. I have been returning to some of the things I enjoy doing more. I have been programming more, which I haven’t done in quite a while. It requires me to be mentally focused which has been difficult with “CANCER” popping up in ones mind every few minutes. Paula and I have also started to walk 2 miles every evening. Both of these things I take as a good sign.

Still cancer is not far from my thoughts but it is at least not totally consuming as it has been. Paula on the other hand is not as far along in my opinion. I think she still thinks on some level that this cancer will return. Or at least that is her fear. She related a story of a man who also went to the Dattoli Center but is having a relapse. While we don’t know any of the particulars of his case Paula, of course, relates his situation to me. She tends to be more fearful than I and I am not sure why. See always goes for the worse case scenario and I tend to look at the best-case scenario. Am I in denial? I think not. I am trying not to think of what will happen “tomorrow” and only deal with what is here now.

What is here now is that on Monday I have to go see my Urologist for my two-week check since I last saw him. Then I will know if I have to have the green light laser procedure for my urinary issues. If I do then I know that in four weeks after the procedure I will be able to have my seeds implanted. While I do have to do these things I don’t look at them with dread but just items on my list of things to do before I am done with this ordeal. That is partly what having cancer is like; we have more things to do.

Remember back in December when I thought that I was loosing my mind? Well I was talking then about the side effects of my androgen deprivation therapy that I could look forward to, such as:

hot flashes (these may go away with time)
breast tenderness and growth of breast tissue
osteoporosis (weakening of bones) leading to bone fractures
anemia (low red blood cell counts)
decreased mental acuity
loss of muscle mass
weight gain
fatigue
decrease in HDL (”good”) cholesterol
depression

Well it is time for an update. The last time I talked about this I was referencing my poor memory and decreased mental acuity. Well since that time I also had breast tenderness ( that was weird ) early on. I have also gained weight much to Paula’s displeasure. Got fatigue covered and I believe depression slipped in there early on. And lastly what all you women out there want to hear, yes hot flashes. The kind of hot flashes where perspiration forms on your forehead on a cold day. I now feel your pain.

What I was not prepared for was the side effect that I just noticed today. I am not sure you can tell from the picture of me on the blog that I am very folically challenged. I can blind you with the reflection off the top of my head. Well I have always had some peach fuzz but this morning looking in the mirror I notice that I had a great deal more than that. I could actually grab a hold of it!!!! Whooo Hoooo!!!

Now this I can handle. I think I’ll go to the store in the convertible that I am thinking about getting to pick up some hair gel so I can spike my new growth!! I am soooo stoked.

I just read Dan’s post. We have to let go of the idea that the doctors are looking out for our best interest. VERY often the procedures they recommend are because they know the insurance network with which they are involved will cover it with no problem. If you ask for a procedure that is cutting edge , then you may need to demand, get in their face if necessary and tell them that you will not stop asking until you get WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR BODY.

The old adage about the squeaky wheel getting the grease– it is true.
And women do remember; Nice girls finish last. And so do nice guys.

Doctors are businessmen who practice medicine.

QUESTION AUTHORITY, but may I change that— stop thinking of doctors as authority figures. With the advent of the Internet, you often know more than they about the newest and/or alternative ways of dealing with your particular health problem.

Authority is only authoritative IF you choose to give away your power to it.

As women we made great strides in the seventies when we demanded abortions, we demanded that yearly mammorgrams be covered by insurance, we demanded more breast cancer research.
When I was in my twenties, I remember making a doctor so mad that he told me to cure myself. I told him that if I’d had the ability to write a script for the meds I knew I needed I would. All I needed was his John Doe.

Men as a whole do not talk about their health issues. That is the main reason that the funding for prostate cancer research is way down on the list. Breast cancer is first in funding followed by Aids.

Do not let fear of disapproval keep you from getting what you want.

Well yesterday Paula went with her sister and aunt to Mount Dora to go to a twice a year flea market. So I had the day to myself. I went to USF, our local state university, where an event was going on that a friend invited me to. I saw my friend and we talked a bit and he asked me how I was doing. I told the short version and then he revealed to me he was going to have to have a TURP procedure for BHP, this procedure is sometimes refered to as roto-rooter and has it’s own set of side effects. First I felt good that he would talk to me re: this but then I thought about it and MANY folks have been doing this of late. I think this is a direct result of being vocal about my prostate cancer and putting it out there in peoples face.

I advised my friend to rethink the TURP procedure because in the future if he should ever get prostate cancer the TURP procedure would disqualify him for seed implants. There is a less invasive procedure that uses a green light laser that does the same thing. Anything that is less invasive, in my opinion, is good if it achieves the same purpose. But we as men tend to think that whatever the doc says is the best thing. Hate to tell you folks but that just ain’t so. It may come down to the fact that the, doctor in question, doesn’t have a green light laser or has not been trained on one or it doesn’t pay as much. Guys you have to look out for yourself, ALWAYS QUESTION the doctor as to other less invasive procedures whenever these options are presented to you. It is your body and YOU will have to pay the piper not the doctor.

I just read Dan’s post. I remember when my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. I went with her to all of her initial appointments. She asked Dr. Cox at Moffitt if there would ever be a time that she would not be thinking about cancer most of the time.

Dr. Cox said that it takes about two years. I was surprised that he had an answer to the question, but he is the kind of doctor who really seems to care about his patients’ emotional state as well.

My sister said that now there are days that pass when cancer does not enter her mind. It has been seven years for her now.

A bad health diagnosis is a death of sorts– the death of the illusion that we are immortal. The death of the idea that our lives as we know them will last forever. So Dan is grieving. And grieving takes time.

From my own experience I have found that the most importance thing is for me to be gentle with myself. and to give myself mercy. It is so important in times like this to embrace our vulnerable feelilngs and to comfort ourselves by treating ourselves like kings and queens.

I hurt that Dan hurts. If I were a giant eraser, I would get in his brain and do my thing.

I have been ordering lots of comedy DVDs. Tonight we watched three segments from Dave Chappelle’s show. We love him. Wanda Sykes is hysterically funny. Chris Rock . And anything from the Farley Brothers. We love funny stuff.

I have been forcing myself to watch a good light movie often. I need escape. I haven’t been too successful at reading lately. My mind wanders. Right now a good movie really helps.
I watched "In Her Shoes". I love Shirley MacLaine. The movie was sappy and sweet, but it made me feel happy. That’s all that matters.

Well I have made it to work four days straight. A record since I started my radiation as I took off at least one day a week because of my fatigue. This too has been lifting and I am staying up a little later each night.

My radiation treatments are over and I am trying to get my life back to as close to normal as I can. So I am trying to return to my “normal” schedule as I can manage it. I need to also do some lifestyle changes; I need more exercise in my life but up to now I have been too fatigued to even do this.

I am feeling hopeful and confident that my treatments will be effective and I will be done with this whole mess by summer time. But even though I feel like my life is starting to get back to some normality I can still hear that word in my head which is sometimes a whisper and sometimes a yell…..

CANCER

You know I have heard that men supposedly think about sex every 15 seconds. Not anymore for me, now the word cancer comes to mind. Ever since this whole thing started that word has been ringing in my ears. At times in the beginning that is the only thing I heard. Cancer, Cancer, Cancer. But now it is down to every 15 minutes or so just like when I use to think of sex. But as long as I am on the hormone therapy it will be unlikely that this will happen anytime soon. I pine for the good old days.

This will be a short one. D. and I had a big talk. Mortality is in our face big time. And not just for him.
I have no reason to believe that either one of us will be alive in five years. And I have no reason to believe that either one of us will be dead in five years. But we are going to live as though we will be in dead in five years.

We will be putting in place some big changes. We have some ideas, and we are not ready to talk about them.

Life is a crap shoot.

sorry readers if some of my posts are a bit didactic- just can’t get away from behind that podium ya know-

thirty-two years of teaching high school kinda gets to be a part of you-

so this morning I wanted to share something that might help someone out there-

1. I believe in allowing ourselves to honor what we feel no matter how "bad or ugly or horrid or wrong" we may think the feeling is

2. I do not believe that these feelings need to be expressed to others

going back to my PAINT IT BLACK post- well, after I typed that out I made my butt get up and find the song so I could dance to it; honey, it took a really long time because our CD’s are in a mess right now

found it, printed out the words and sang and danced to it until I started to cry

Yep, crying oh, how it helps-
how it transforms the energy

I learned quite a few years ago that ALWAYS behind my rage is a tenderness so soft that
I am often afraid to expose it to the light of the day for fear that it may be damaged

Oh, how hard it is to be a human
How harder it is to feel vulnerable

It is only in the total acceptance of our own selves that we are able to come to a place of equinimity with the all of life and then be of service to another

okay, the podium has been pushed aside for now-
 
gonna clean house for thirty minutes and listen to my new BEST OF DINAH SHORE

ooh how I LOVE MUSIC