Any day above ground is a good one

I will take care of Dan if that is how it turns out. I am an optimist. I used to think I was a pessimist, but I am reading a great little book called LIFE IS SHORT; WEAR YOUR PARTY PANTS and the author defines an optimist this way: “Positive thinking while denying reality is idiocy. A real optimist feels in control of her life and know that she can handle what comes down the pike, and that there will be opportunity even in the darkness.” So I guess that makes me an optimist. I’ll go with that.

I will return to my Buddhist studies. For it is there, that I find the most connection and solidarity. I remember Ram Dass talking about his moment of grace after his stroke when he was able to watch himself as a person dealing with stroke. In other words, he was able to see the “drama” of himself being a stroke victim. Playin’ with the levels of reality. Steppin’ back and seein’ ourselves as intricate creatures who are never defined by one thing. In other words,
Dan is much more than a “cancer patient”. I am much more than the wife of a man with cancer.
It’s important to remember the whole big picture of our lives and not get hung up on the aspects of it. Yeah, I know cancer is a hell of a big aspect, but gotta put it in perspective.
There are still kitties to cuddle and soft breezes to feel and rock music to dance to.
And pretty skirts to buy. Oh yeah, lots of pretty skirts to buy!

Shortly after Mama died, I went to see Ram Dass. I said to him, “My mother just died of lung cancer. And it was horrible and ugly and smelly and nightmarish. She was in terrible physical pain, but she told me that she could bear that; it was the pain of her psyche that rocked her.”

I told him that I took care of her and gave her the shots, and washed her and cleaned her. I told him that Mom and I talked together, cried together and lay in the bed together holding hands. I told him that I did not every want to let go of her hand. And I told him that although I was relieved that she finally was able to die that I now felt my heart closing down, and I said that I was afraid for that to happen because I didn’t want to become bitter and hard and suppressed. I did not want to join the land of the living dead.

And he had tears in his eyes as he delivered this reply, “Paula, we must all learn to keep our hearts open in Hell.”

He’s right.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Went to see Dr. Starling he talked to me for a while to get a background then he did an exam. Afterwards he asked me how I was doing. I said considering this may be cancer I am reading everything I can on the Internet and everywhere else I can. He interrupted me and said flat out “Don’t get on the Internet, Don’t get on the Internet. It will just confuse you.”

Don’t see that happening being an Internet junkie from way back. I felt like he was trying to dissuade me from educating myself. Always question authority. I couldn’t stop Paula for sure. I am having problems focusing on the fact that I might have cancer. I am hoping for the best.

"If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, ‘I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me’." Ann Landers

No one can protect me. I have known that for a very long time now. And yes, I think what Ann Landers says is true. But sometimes I get tired of being strong. Sometimes I just want to cry like right now, and so I turn to my very best friend in the whole world. My paper. My words. The words come tumbling out and in any way they want, and no one is there to judge.

And I read once after Mama died that the tears of grief actually have a different chemical composition than the tears of other types. The tears of grief- grief- endings and changes and yesterdays all run through my mind all of the time and at night they play in my dream coming out in the most unexpected way.

I love Dan so much. In this life he has been my best friend. He is my husband. I do not want him to die. I am not ready to lose him. I love him. And if he were to go sooner than I expected, I would survive and I would turn to you paper and words and you would tumble out over and over until I became too tired and then sleep blessed sleep would take me from my thoughts and I would rest. And then morning would come and I would be a little better for there would be sunshine and things to do and to see.

But I understand why people just get tired of living. Because the pain gets too heavy to bear and the routines of the comings and the goings - the endless repetition of the over and the over and the over and the over again. What keep us going? To have an enthusiasm that is bigger than ourselves- a cause- a cause- I have so much to give and to offer. Lord, if there is a lord, use me in the way that I must be used to serve at the highest level to do good for the animals and the people and the places, but Lord allow me to see the sunshine each day and to continue to find ways to be eager and enthused and please have me laugh. Please have me laugh a lot.

I am Paula Dan’s wife. I will be sharing my feelings and observations of Dan’s cancer situation. I am sure some people think it is wierd, tacky, rude or whatever for us to share these private details, but writing is how I process stuff. A huge component of grieving is the telling of the story. And yes, folks, we are grieving because our lives have changed. Dan and I have been together for twenty-four years. We were relatively young when we got together. We’ve had a good life, and we have always had a lot of conversations about the importance of not getting overly concerned with stuff that really shouldn’t matter like money, jobs, broken cars– you know that stuff that so many of us gets nuts about. Ironically, one of the things we would always say when we were trying to put the other one straight about seeing “the big picture” is ‘Well, it ain’t cancer.”

Another beautiful day in Northport, Michigan, the site of our vacation home, was drawing to a close. I had just returned from Traverse City after a shopping and lunch day with my 79 year old aunt and my cousin’s wife Donna. Donna is an RN. I unloaded my goods and was settling in for the evening when the phone rang. It was Dan informing me that he had to have a biopsy of his prostate. He said don’t freak out because it’s just a bump.

I knew deep down inside that this was something bad. Each time before one of my family members has been diagnosed with cancer, I have had a dream that is eerie not scary- eerie, but I awake knowing that this dream was a portent of something. A few days before the phone call I had this dream, I wrote it in my computer as I do all of my dreams. The moment Dan gave me this news my mind flashed on that dream. I knew that he had cancer. Some people might say I am negative. No, I just am very intuitive, and my intuition is always right. Spooky maybe, but I’ve been that way for a long long time now. The next day I told Donna the nurse that Dan had a postive DRE, a PSA of 3.3, and that a one centimeter mass labelled as suspicious for carcinoma was seen on the pelvic MRI. Without a moment of hesitation she said, “He’s got prostate cancer. It might be might aggressive, and he needs to have it biopsied right away.”

I immediately went home and called Dan. I said I would fly home immediately. He said absolutely not. He was not at all concerned. I told him what Donna said, and he said, “She is just a nurse.” Yeah, I was totally pissed at Dan. I am the kind of person who wants to know, take action ASAP. I’d rather have the bad news so that I can form a strategy than live in the land of waiting and wondering. Different strokes for different folks.

Stayed up half the night reading about Pca and got scared– real scared.

Went to see Dr. Iezzi to get the results of the MRI and it too shows something on my prostate. He suggests that I go see an urologist. Now I am a little freaked as I have never had an urologist and what do I have to do to find one. Pick one from a list? Like picking a new plumber from the yellow pages. How do I know what kind of Doc I am going to get? And if he screws up my plumbing it isn’t like I can hire a new one to re-pipe the old boy. So I ask the scheduling clerk at Iezzi’s office. She suggested Dr. Jeffery B. Starling. She went to him and thought he was good. What a way to pick a Doc.

Called Dr. Iezzi re: authorization. Now he wants another test for my prostate. Seems that the ultrasound showed something. He wants a CT with contrast but I am allergic to the IVP dye they use, so I am getting a MRI.

Got MRI today for my head and a ultrasound for my prostate.