Quite some time ago I made a decision not to post on this blog for awhile. One of the things that a serious illness does to a relationship is create more tension. DUH!
Writing often on this blog only made me think even more about the cancer. I was already thinking about it too much.
Sometimes I felt sort of guilty about not sharing in the blog. Dan even asked me a couple of times why I had stopped posting. The bottom line is that I also have a life, and Dan’s illness was already so big in it that I decided to avoid the parts of it that I could. This blog is one of those parts.
Several years ago Dan and I went white water rafting. Our raft capsized in the middle of a part of the river that is called HELL’S HOLE. I was caught UNDERNEATH the raft. Dan and our two companions were able to swim to shore. I first worked to get out from underneath the raft, and then I struggled to swim to shore, but I kept getting sucked down under the water because of the whirlpool.
After I was saved by one of leaders of the excursion, Dan told me that I, indeed, almost drowned. He told me how frightened he had felt. I replied that it was strange, but I did not have time to be afraid because I was fighting the whole time.
Sometimes living around cancer is like that maybe. I mean the one with the illness is in the whirlpool busy fighting, and the others are helplessly watching from the shore.
I am watching from the shore, and sometimes I need to get away because I just can’t stand it.